A Frank Discussion On Mental Health

Why is there such a stigma surrounding mental illness? What makes us so afraid to talk about or even acknowledge that some of us have imbalances that can cause all kinds of mental and emotional problems? Do we place so much emphasis on power and perfection that we are terrified to appear weak and imperfect? (Though, sorry if I'm bursting any bubbles, we in fact are imperfect!)

I'll level with you all, I struggle with depression. I have for years. Add to that a smattering of anxiety, a hint of obsessive compulsive-ness and a strong worry-wart streak, and you could say I "need help" or "have issues". I have taken anti-depressants for at least 10 years, with about a year free of anything before getting pregnant in 2012. Though I was "drug-free" during my pregnancy it hit like an elk-sized brick postpartum. I became increasingly agitated, thought I was a horrible mother, felt I wasn't bonding well with my daughter, and wanted pretty much nothing to do with the outside world. Sleep deprivation and slow physical healing added to my unwell state, and I finally agreed to try Zoloft. There was an uncomfortable adjustment period of a few weeks as my body got used to the medication. Even so, within the first week there was a noticeable difference in the way I was reacting to things and I began to actually enjoy life with my newborn. The black cloud lightened and I could smile again.

Not everyone that feels down or has a bout of depression needs medication. There are numerous natural ways to combat the dreariness one may feel during a particularly difficult season in their life. It is entirely possible that I am one of those who, with a little determination and lots of support, could fight my dark demon with not much more than regular sunshine and exercise, healthy foods and enough rest. But life with a newborn is not exactly conducive to focusing on oneself. When your primary focus is to keep your baby happy, healthy, and you know, alive...it's hard to think about taking care of "you".

So I tried the little yellow pill. And it helped me see myself and my daughter for who we truly were: a new Mom, more capable of the task than she thought and hell-bent to do the best for her family, and a newborn baby just trying to feel loved and figure out this great big world.

Maybe eventually I'll be able to function appropriately without medication. Perhaps when I am getting better sleep (you know, in like 18 years... Ha!) and hormones balance out I will taper off "the drugs" and keep my brain in check with natural remedies. Or maybe not. I might always need a little chemical supplement to keep me balanced. I'll be ok with that. Because it's not a terrible thing to admit you need help. It doesn't mean you're any less valuable, lovable or wanted. It just verifies you're human.

No Title, Just Rambling

Finally, she's peaceful again! Poor little E has been a wreck all week, (yes, two whole days! ;-) ) teething like mad, not sleeping well, waking up crying at night...it may only be Tuesday but the last couple days and nights have been some of the longest since she was a newborn. I am so grateful for my husband, my mama who cares for E while I'm at work, my understanding boss who gives me so much leeway. I would be an absolute trainwreck if it weren't for all their support.

I have no idea if this post will "make the cut", or be forever waiting in my drafts folder. My brain is fried, nerves frazzled, body going numb. I probably should be sleeping too but am so afraid to disturb my poor angel by lying down.

Here she is, finally peaceful in my arms once again. As taxing as it sometimes is, I love that my daughter relies on me so much, for food, comfort and cuddling. She loves her Daddy lots and even occasionally prefers him, but when she doesn't feel well it's Mama she wants. <3

No Mom bob for me

It's decided. I must not cut my hair any shorter than it is now. No "Mom bob" for me! E loves, loves playing with, pulling and chewing on my scraggly, faded mane. I can only imagine how she'll enjoy braiding and "making it pretty" when she's just a bit older. I actually look forward to leaving the house with mismatched barrettes or a gaudy bow atop my head.

Unlucky Genes?

My heart is heavy for a loved one tonight. The diagnosis is sobering but not "fatal", though definitely life altering as all autoimmune diseases are. Without going into too much detail, I can say my cousin has a hard road ahead and will need
love, prayer and encouragement from all who know her. I plan to reach out to her in the coming days and hope to be a small comfort in that I too have experience with autoimmune issues and know how isolating and consuming chronic disease can be.

So, another relative has a disorder of the immune system. This knowledge makes me worried for E, as these disorders tend to run in families. All the more reason to learn all I can about natural living, minimizing potential "triggers", and raising our little one to be as healthy and informed as possible.

These Moments

I should be asleep. My eyelids should be closed, mind wandering in restful slumber. But there's a sleeping baby girl on my breast, breathing her soft baby breath, tiny hand gripping mine with all its might. How can my eyes close when they know in a blink she'll be grown? Those perfectly curled lashes and rosebud lips destroy my body's weariness.

These, these are the moments I'd love to bottle up and keep with me always. These are the times I know my life's purpose is to love and protect this precious girl. How can a person sleep with such an important job to do?